The Weekend Before the Conference #6

The Weekend Before the Conference is an erotic comedy centered around Diane. Diane is a soft spoken, sheltered, accounts receivable clerk who gets the opportunity of a lifetime: a work trip to San Diego, CA. Diane will rack up miles and rack up sexual experiences.

“The conference is next monday, but I am flying out on friday. I’ll get to my hotel friday evening. I will be using taxi services to get around because I’ve heard horror stories about California drivers.”

“And you’re going to Southern California, Diane. It’s an absolute zoo.”

Gerdie works at the Albertsons by my apartment. She is the exact same age as me except she is two years younger. So not the same age. We met when she had to check my ID for some cooking wine (don’t ask!!!). She said, “We are the exact same age!” and I said, “Your birthday is January 5th 1966?” and she said “No, but its pretty close. March 17th, 1968.” And since then we’ve been like sisters.

Gerdie has been to California. She is the only person that I know that has been, except for me, and I haven’t even gone yet. I knew I had to see her today. I also needed some stuff at Albertsons for the trip.

“Let’s get your medicine bag squared away. Advil, Tylenol, cough drops, a travel toothpaste–”

“Oh that’s good thinking Gerdie, I was going to bring my regular toothpaste.”

“You can’t. The airport will take it.”

“I know I heard.”

“It’s terrible. Razors–”

“No not razors. I can’t show my legs I am going to an Islam conference.”

“Well, you’ll have a little time after the conference to show them.”

“Oh gosh.”

“What, are you going to never leave your hotel? You are in San Diego! You aren’t going to go to the USS Midway? Or the San Diego Zoo?”

“Gerdie, you are bad. I’m there on work! Imagine getting caught going to the USS Midway on a work night. I would be toast.”

“Pack one razor. Also, you have a whole weekend in San Diego.”

“Poway.”

“What?”

“I’m staying in Poway. It’s a little north of San Diego. I just didn’t feel right staying in a big city with all the fancy buildings and everything.”

“Oh Diane, don’t be a pill.”

“Gerdie.”

“I’m sorry, Diane, but live a little. You never wanted to be one of those working professionals who gets swept up in a city they’ve never been to?”

“Of course I have.”

“We’ll buy a five pack of razors. That’s the smallest amount they come in.”

“Okay fine.”

“Food. I can have the deli set aside some egg salad and a loaf of bread. Egg salad is good because you can put it in a ziploc back and it will kind of form around anything in your purse or suitcase.”

“It travels well.”

“It travels well. Put it between a couple slices of bread and you have an egg salad sandwich. And that could be for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.”

“Oh that’s so true, Gerdie.”

“Hmmm. You are gonna want some sweets. I bet you we still have a bag of fun size Milk Ways at a fair price.”

“If they are dark chocolate, I’ll pass.”

“Fair enough.”

“Do you have red vines?”

“I do but if you take red vines that will eat up a lot of your suitcase space.”

“Oh that’s so true, Gerdie.”

I feel in the bag because it still feels a little heavy. Huh. I pull out a rectangle box with a post-it note covering the front.

Have fun, city girl!

- gert

I peel off the post it note. Oh my gosh! 

It.

Is.

A. 

Pack.

Of.

Condoms.

And.

They.

Are.

LUBRICATED.