*Smug Fart* I am no longer on Social Media (terms and conditions apply)

I read this book called How to Break Up With Your Smart Phone. I read more than half of it. I read enough of it that I could confidently recommend it to people as if I had read all of it.

What I know is that there is a 30-day plan. Each day you are supposed to reflect on how your phone makes you feel, and then cut an additional sliver of access.

I kind of did it. I reflected in my head using something I like to call, “my thoughts.” I said, “Wow. Lots of screen time. Let’s cut this out.” I did all the little cuts up until you had to cut your social media apps. Fuck it, I did that too.

Honestly? Not that bad. You get them off your phone and if you want to go on social media, you have to use the browser version. And guess what? I’m not doing that. So I am not on social media.

…And THAT my friends is the true gift. I can drop in ANNNNYYYYYYYY conversation that “I just don’t have social media on my phone,” and I WIN. I truly win. I am a better person than YOU. YOU HAVE TO pick up the check if we are out because if I pick up the check AND I don’t have social media? Are you poor AND an addict? Baby. Gorgeous. Sweetie.

But hold on. No social media apps on the phone…but screen time is practically the same? Why? What happened? Where did King Beef go wrong?

What if I told you I spend a SKULL FUCKING 4 HOURS A DAY ON YAHOO.COM. SCROLLING THROUGH ENDLESS MORON ARTICLES LIKE A STARVING MAN IN THE DESERT. IS THIS HOW IT FEELS TO WIN WARS? IS THIS WHY THE TROOPS CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT?

So I don’t think I broke up with my phone. I’m still with my phone. I just like, took away her social media. Like, I love my phone you know? And she should love me, right? So LOGICALLY, if she LOVES ME, SHE SHOULD ONLY NEED ME RIGHT? SO WHY IS SHE ON INSTAGRAM? LOGICALLY…WHY IS SHE ON INSTAGRAM? LOGICALLY.