Old Head #3

Old Head follows Craig, a San Diego skateboarding local, and the last of a dying breed. Old Head episodes will be coming out on a monthly basis (estimated).

I arrive at Robb Field full, padded, and ready to drop into a quarter pipe successfully 5 to six times before lunch. I wait for the bridge of Dani California to wrap up before I pop out.

I fucking HATE that that song is so sick because if I left my car earlier, I could have avoided the person standing outside of my van door with a gun. Before I can even talk sense into this young blood, the gun barrel is fully inside my mouth and millimeters away from my gag reflex. If I could get my tongue out, I could probably lick the curvy part that covers the trigger. I get my tongue out and, yeah, fuck yeah I totally can. I lick the curvy part playfully. This upsets the young blood who pulls the gun out of my mouth way fast.

“You’re a fucking clown bitch,” he says.

I respond back fast. “No, I’m a soul skater. A clown bitch has a fucking rainbow wig and a red nose. Sometimes just a red nose. Sometimes no red nose. Clowning is more of a craft and less of an aesthetic, niño.”

“Do you remember me, you fucking idiot?” He gets the gun back in my mouth, but I kind of let him this time. I push the gun barrel out of my mouth with my tongue. I kind of wait with my mouth open for a second because I don’t know what kind of homie this guy is: one who wants me to answer questions, or get mouth-fucked by a gun. 

He doesn’t put the gun back in my mouth so I answer:

“No. As a long standing member of the skateboarding community, I’ve seen many young homies pass through. They become old homies, homies with children, and then they are returned to the dirt from which we all came.”

“Fool. Four months ago you set your mcgriddle down on the funbox and I shattered my wrist.”

“What is a fun box?”

“The thing we all skate in the middle of the park. How are you a long standing member of the skateboarding community and you don’t know what a funbox is?”

This is tough talk from a little grom. I have to be truthful and man up though: I for sure thought that the thing in the middle of the park was an artsy picnic bench to snack on. The slopes leading up to the flat part were always too steep for me to ride up and the ledge where I put my mcgriddles would be way too high for my ollies. I’ve been eating there for a solid two decades and I’d be lying if I said this is the first time I’ve been confronted about this. But an Old Head like me can still learn something new.

I extend my hand in a way that says we are fighting on the same side. The grom pistol whips my hand.

“You will not skate at the park today! I need to get shit on tape because I’ve been out.”

“Why?” I ask. I remember why right after I say it and wave my arms like I’m trying to say “no need to shoot me.” 

“You almost fucked up my life and I would consider shooting you if you hurt me again.” He’s big mad.

“Hurt people hurt people,” I say. I saw a guy say that once and I thought it was pretty sick that he just said the same thing twice. Sometimes the situation calls for being sick.

Where is your skateboard, he asks. I point towards my van’s trunk door. He opens the door.

“Don’t touch my webcam stuff I need it for my night school. Also don’t take my Dad.” The grom takes a quick look around the van. He finds my skateboard and sets it on the parking lot pavement.

“You don’t do night school. You are unable to learn. This is clearly a set up for some web cam show. You have huge breasts and there is mesh all over the van.”

“Don’t get cocky, niño.” I ruffle his hair while he is looking through his backpack. He takes his gun and jams it into my testicles. Based on how hard he is pushing, I think he wants to push the gun into my body. He goes back to his backpack.

He pulls out a skate tool. A skate tool is a tool that does all the shit your skateboard needs. I don’t have a skate tool because I believe in taking the board as it comes. If you need to mess around with your board, it sounds like you have trust issues.

He uses the skate tool to take all four wheels off my board.

“If you want to look at my wheels and give me a compliment about my wheels you could just leave them on the board.”

“I’m taking them off your board so you can not use your board. You are a danger to society.”

The grom throws my wheels into his backpack and cruises off. I just kind of stand next to my van and my board that has no wheels. I try to ride around the parking lot, but it becomes pretty clear that without wheels that will not happen. Man, the guy who stuck a gun in my mouth said I am a danger to society. Most old heads are able to brush everything off as whatever, but I am exactly the opposite. I’m like, super dependent on what people feel about me and when it is bad I get to a super low place that is scary and dark. I pretend to change a flat tire on my van, but really I am scream-crying.

It will be hard to emotionally come back from what that grom said to me, but the skateboard part is easy. I just have to head to North Park and get new wheels from my best friend who works at Overload Skateshop.