Beef House Basement: We are Three Buff Orcas in the Local Marina and We Should Talk About Your Boat

Stories from the Beef House Basement are stories that, for one reason or another, never saw the light of day. When you are in the beef making business, sometimes you forget to sell beef. So it stays in the basement. Keep bouncing.

The orcas fucking up those boats was sick. I hope it never stops. I hope it gets worse!

This piece is fucking hilarious and I’m so mad that I forgot about it.

Hey. Make your way over to the port side. We want to show you something.

First off, I’m Mike G. The handsome one is Bill. The one with your rudder in his mouth is Mike S. 

Here’s the deal: summer is going to be not so nice for you and your friends. Me, Bill, and Mike S. got to talking, and we all agreed that we don’t like any of the boats in this marina.

Why? Doesn’t matter. Does not matter one bit. We are coordinated, we are fully shredded, and we think all of these boats are dumb. We don’t like looking at them. If you bring them out of the marina, we are gonna do damage.

We also don’t negotiate. I get that we probably got some lawyers and CEOs with some boats in here. Save your breath. We aren’t gonna come to the table on anything. We do not have to. We are 8,000 pounds each. For orcas, we are on the heavy side. We are heavyweights. You do not have a table or chair that we could reasonably come to. 

This goes without saying: Mike S. is not giving your rudder back. No way. I have never seen Mike S. give anything back. Mike S. is going to take your rudder down about 150 feet and then he’s gonna do some things with it that I don’t feel too comfortable talking about. The rudder is not going to be in working condition.

It’s going to get worse, guy. Believe me. You want to get three losers on a catamaran for a 1000 race? Hey, guess what? You’re not making it to 1000. You aren’t making it 10. You aren’t making it 1. You are going to get about 300 feet from the marina and then Bill and Mike S. are going to start seeing what bends and what breaks on your precious little catamaran. 

Again, the ‘why’ does not matter. We’re orcas. We’re buff and we’re bad guys. We don’t have a ton of good, wholesome thoughts. We see your boats and they make us angry and that’s as far as it goes.

I’d say to just keep your boats in the marina and you’ll be safe, but I don’t know. We can still see them when they are in the marina. So, you know, I don’t know. I don’t know if they are safe. If I had to guess, we’ll probably go into the marina at some point. Maybe soon. 

Here is what I would say. You got two good days as a boat owner: the day you buy a boat, and the day you sell the boat. Mike S. might have knocked the price down, but it might be time for you to have your second good boat-owning day.