Beef House Basement: If You Talk About Your Computer Apes at Purim Again I’ll Fucking Kill You

Stories from the Beef House Basement are stories that, for one reason or another, never saw the light of day. When you are in the beef making business, sometimes you forget to sell beef. So it stays in the basement. Keep bouncing.

Ah. The computer apes. I love writing about fathers who are close to beating their sons. Especially around the holidays.

I need you to listen to me and listen closely. I have coddled and enabled you your entire life. I have let you become an absolute terror of a grown man. But, I have had it. I have talked with your mother and she is comfortable with me telling you this: if you talk about your computer apes at Purim I will fucking kill you. On the spot. I will kill you in front of our friends and loved ones.

You have shown that you are incapable of talking about your computer apes without becoming unhinged. You ruined one Purim because of this. You will not ruin another.

What if people ask you about your computer apes? Guess what Gabriel, no one will ask you about your computer apes. No one asked you about them last Purim. You brought up your computer apes unprovoked when you attacked Bubbe for owning a physical home. You said, I quote:

“Not one dollar invested in the bored ape metaverse. Pure ignorance.”

What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is the metaverse? Your Bubbe is 94 years old. She has a nice man come from two towns over every day to feed her. She has had a long life and it is close to ending. And you call her ignorant for not getting online and buying a rude ape that lives on the computer? No. You are ignorant. You are going to give Bubbe a kiss on the cheek and you are going to fuck off until we are ready to leave.

No. No one bullied you last Purim. No one baited you. After you called Bubbe ignorant for not having placed thousands of dollars into a made up environment, everyone by the grace of God treated you like a dangerous person who needed to be talked off a ledge. Uncle Louis, my godfather, asked you softball questions about your stupid apes and you lashed out. Because all YOU wanted to do was shove your phone in everyone's face and scream “GOT ‘EM.” You wanted to spend all of Purim wearing sunglasses indoors and make everyone look at pictures of your computer apes. Uncle Louis asked how a person makes money off the apes and you embarrassed me with your response.

“I don’t need to know what a g spot is or how to find it, Louis. I have a series of NFT apes that are worth THOUSANDS.”

You did not get “baited” into saying that. Uncle Louis did not bait you in any way. He asked you one simple question about how the computer apes work and you got upset. Uncle Louis has a heart murmur and you screaming “g spot” almost killed him. No one brought up anything sexual. You couldn’t explain your computer apes and you made it about sex. You brought up g spots unprovoked. I don’t want you talking to Uncle Louis.

Purim is a nice holiday. It’s fun and light. If you bring up your computer apes once, I will bounce your head against the kitchen floor until sundown.